iFeel..iFeel...

i feel...some what lighter...after spending a nice evening with friends...i feel a lot happier...i think they did a good job at turning my frown upside down...a nice dinner...coffee and cake...and a movie...was all that was needed to settle the uneasiness and unexplainable sadness...maybe it was PMS...hahaha but i don't think it was...if it was all that was needed was a good gobble on a nice juicy rockmelon...and that would have scared the nasty PMS fairies away...i'm feeling half confused now...so that is half of the confusion that i was feeling before...but still that's not good enough...it's really tiring feeling negative...having all your energy sucked right out of you...positive positive...think positive and be happy...the sun is coming out...it's warming up...this might be a first...but i think i'm looking forward to summer this year...i'm excited to enjoy the warmth and everything that being outdoors has to offer...i want to utilize as much of the nourishing energy and radiance the sun exudes and emits from it's life giving core...i think...i found this winter too harsh...so i think it will be fun being a sun-chick for a while...

iFeel...

i feel wretched...i feel like something is gnawing at my skin...i feel uncomfortable...i feel like jumping out of my skin...i don't feel like myself...i feel like there is a heavy weightedness that is pressing down on me...i feel like sighing deeply...inhale and exhale...let it all out...i feel like my heart is being squeezed...i feel used...i feel unwanted...i feel like i'm floating in the middle with no ground to put my feet on...i feel like falling into someones arms...i feel like whispering in your ear...i feel drained...i feel limp...i feel like screaming...i feel like nothingness...i feel like bearing my soul...i feel like destruction...i feel like despair...i feel longing...i feel i need you...

isThisDisappointmentI'mFeelin???...

i'm not sure what this is...feelin' a little down today...for reasons i shouldn't be...oh and yea...it's my birthday today...i'm happy to all those that sent me birthday wishes...even from those that i didn't expect wishes from...but no...this is something else...and i think that is stoopid to be honest...as you can guess...i'm sad at someone...but don't get me wrong...it's not like i'm sad that he never wished me happy birthday...he did...i think it was the first thing he did when he got into work...but...sending my replies relunctantly as though i didn't want to talk to him...i have to give it to him for trying...on saturday morning...and this morning...in his responses to me...but i didn't leave him with room to feel as though i was happy...quite unemotional...am i trying to push him away???...to see if he tries harder???...i think he knows what i'm feeling...i don't think he's daft...i guess i'm looking for more...and unsure of what to expect...but do you blame me...i am left in a position that i hate being in...i'm not too sure what i'm feeling...is it disappointment???...is it sadness???...is it love???...oh god!...please don't say it's love...i'm almost tempted to say the words...let it all out in the open...but is this what it is???...what if this feeling is not reciprocated...i don't think it's love in it's entirety...but love in it's blossoming phase...but when i think back...is the time spent reason enough to say it's love...i guess it's not so much the quantity of time... but the quantity of emotions and feelings and warmth that you get...i think that's all it needs...disappointment???...i don't know...he certainly seemed to try but it just wasn't in me to be bubbly and happy to speak to him...i think i want something more than that...it's the longing that hurts more than anything...but is this just another one of my little crushes...not that i have THAT many...but...the 'i know he's the one' line...i won't deny the fact...that he is something different...like the shoe that fits...

theDaysPlodAlong...andTheSinkingTruth...andWhatMakesMeHappy...

it's been an interesting week...full of different emotions...the days leading up to friday was filled of both anticipation, joy and sadness...when you know that something wasn't going to work out...you still can't help but think that it will go your way...then the moment comes when you hear what you dread...my heart sank...it sank deeper and harder than i thought that it would...then a realised something that i had been trying to protect myself from...you realised that youve fallen...i decided to not let it affect me...i spent the night with my brother...someone who has been in a different place in a different land for the past 10 years...it's good to get re-acquainted with him...our brother-sister relationship in the past 10 yrs was through phone calls, webcams and holidays...so it's awesome to have him back in Sydney...i'm actually looking forward to spending time with him...he's going to teach me photography...i'm actually glad that i invited him to my birthday dinner on friday...it was a chance to go out and interact in an environment that we have not previously been in...and he got to meet the three lovely ladies that i love being in Sydney with...the first is serena...she's been an awesome friend...dare i say Best Friend...she's been i guess...a rock that gets squeezed a little too much...hee hee...she knows what i mean...if this rock had ears...they would have fallen off already...but hey...if they did i'd just glue them back on again...she is a tireless friend whom by luck was an 'accidental friend'...i borrowed her...but never returned her...the hot topic i like to bore her ears out with is 'boys'...but i'm hoping for her sake...this lastest boy saga will be the last...the second is jodie...i admire her...i think she is a strong, independent, smart young lady, i think that we share the same thought processes...but with a maturity level 10 times higher than mine...i think that's funny cause it makes me realise i'm slightly immature...this is something that both james and i agree upon...with james having a maturity level 5 times lower than mine...serena and jodie is what forms my comfort circle of women...i don't know how to put it...but yea....i'm not a partcular girly girl...and i don't think i would be comfortable with hanging out with girly girls...so i find that we aren't your typical bunch of girly girls...and i think that's what makes my girl circle different...i've never had a girl circle to be honest...and i can't believe that i've never had one...i guess the perfect mix had never come along until now...but all in all...i'm glad that i have finally found mine...the other chicky babe...who i think is hilariously funny and cute...is Vicki...i think she's a little bundle of fun...i think in some ways she's a younger version of me...i think that is why i have a fondness of her...she's also become a great lunch partner...i finally got to treat her to lunch... =) ...now back to my birthday dinner...i had a great night...with a few less people that i would have loved to have been there...but all in all i had heaps of fun...the staff were AWESOME...and the cocktails were delicious...i would definately go back...even if it was just for the cocktails...the food was nice...though to be honest i prefered the entrees than the mains...on arriving the barman gave me a complimentary tequila shot...it was pretty nice to be honest...and then after the barman learnt that i am a scotch drinker...he made me a scotch cocktail thingy...it was really tasty...i decided to end the night with going home...but it was an excellent night though...so i was happy with how it turned out...not bad for my first birthday dinner experience...i think i will do it again next year...well...i fell asleep on the couch like i usually do...and was surprised to receive an sms at 2.30am...from you know who...it was kinda nice that i got an sms from him...particularly as it was at 2.30 in the morning...something that you least expect...though i think he kinda knows that i was disappointed/upset that he couldn't come to my birthday dinner...and he was trying to make up for it...to be honest i was upset that he didn't say he would make it up to me on thursday when i asked him he was coming...so...to have him say that on saturday morning...was sweet...it was something that i wanted to hear...even though it came 2 days later...my reply the next morning was probably not that inviting...and just reinforced the fact that i was upset...and perhaps a personal dig at him...cause he always says "maybe"...so i guess you can guess what i replied to him...but spending that day with serena and jodie...was awesome...i just love their company...even though we didn't do much...watch teen flicks and ate pizza...it was just perfect...i don't need much to be happy...a quick sms...chit chat...a good laugh...good company...always puts a smile on my face... =)

someonesGettingOlder...

So...my birthday is coming up in 5 days...what do i want for my birthday???...good question...what do i want for my birthday???...i've always really gotten what i wanted...and if i didn't get something i'd always just go out and get it myself...i guess at this stage of my life...turning not a BIG...but moderate 27 years of age...i'm kind of looking forward to turning 30 to be honest...however...turning 30 in 3 years time with nothing to show for it...only rent, debt, a job and a car my dad bought me...perhaps i can turn things around in the next 3 years...get my butt into gear and make something more out of this life...however i think that i have come a long way...i guess i'm not one for the big materialistic things in life...sure it's great to own a house, a dog, a husband (hahaha...whenever that will happen)...but i'm just happy with the things i have...and just happy going about life i guess...the house will come one day...but i know it won't be anytime soon...maybe i'll just find a guy that already has a house...but nah...just being able to enjoy life is what's important...and being able to share it with someone...I've got too much clutter surrounding me anyway...more things to clutter and store away...getting presents is fun i guess...because it shows that someone has taken the time to choose something that reminds them of you...you know you've found "IT"...when you see something and the first thing that you think of is that person...I like giving gifts to people...even if it's not their birthday...it just shows that i've been thinking about them...i guess for my birthday...what i really want is to be happy...and to be happy around the people that means the most to me...family and friends...being able to laugh and be happy and smile...i guess they are the three things that i feel when i am surrounded by those that fill in the void...what i secrectly (it's really not a secret though) really really want for my birthday...i don't even know if i have...or will have...but it's not mine to take...it has to be given...and it can only be given by one person...i feel at this stage...i may have only just taken the ribbon off the box...but i'm still yet to unwrap it...it may sit there...for ages...still unwrapped...waiting...and it would kinda pain me to see it everyday...not able to touch it and see whats inside...but i reckon...i'll be able to unwrap the box and see what's inside...it just may not be on my birthday...

it'sBeenAWhile...

wow....so it's been a while since my last post...how things have developed since then...I'm still kinda stuck in limbo at the moment...but i'm happy with the way that things have progressed...to a certain extent...there's always the questions that still float around in my mind...even though things seem to be going back to the way that they used to be...is this the way that's it's supposed to happen...is this what Lynne meant???...there are always the answers that i need to put my mind at ease...it's a matter of asking them...i don't believe that what has been happening isn't for some purpose...i don't think that he's like that...but you never know...after what was said before...i don't believe that this is all for fun...that is what i believe...but when do you know when is the right time to ask the question...and what do you ask???...do you just float along and assume that everything is ok again???...i think that i need to know...it still feels the same...