onlyGoodThingsToCome...

i am happy...i saw Lynne today...and i was really happy...i kinda knew that there wouldn't be much this time when i saw her...i am at a contented point in my life i think...and the main things that i wanted to know were about my family and just knowing that everything is ok...knowing that where i am at at the moment in terms of work was great knowing...as the things that i have been waiting for will soon come to pass...and i am looking forward to it and am quite excited...finances are always something that i need to learn how to manage...hahaha but it's something that i will master...eventually...and oh yes...'Stop speeding' always gets a mention...the other thing that has been on my mind...is 'him' and i am glad that 'him' has been made clear...i didn't want to know too much...but knowing just what i needed to know...was all that i needed to know...and i am happy...knowing that the chord hasn't been severed...the ties are still there is comforting...knowing that it won't be me...but will be him...is something to look forward to...but still...i have a choice...i may decide otherwise...and i think it's great that i have this choice...because it will allow me to know if what it was that i wanted...is really what i wanted...i think this time has been a good time to reflect and think about the things that i want...especially when it's not in front of me...or with me...but i can't have what i want now...that has been said...the question is...will i want it later???...i guess a lot can change with time...if i can wait many years for someone who wasn't meant for me...can i wait just a little longer for someone who is???...i guess...we shall see...

trialsAndTribulations...AreTheyOver???

are they over???...i feel as though a great weight has been lifted...the heavy burden of sadness that i have felt on my shoulders for...as long as i can remember...are they over now???...have they grown wings and flown away???...never to come back so that i don't have to feel it's overbearing presence again???...i certainly feel a lot happy now...looking forward to the future...looking forward to uncertainty but at the same time looking forward to those things that you know will be coming...the things that you want the most...to want something now that you can't have is always a pain to bear...but knowing that it will come within your grasps is something that is worth the pain...to know that the bonds which tie two are not broken...to know that you will continue passing faces on the streets...it brings a smile to my face...a smile which hasn't been there for a long time...to be able to let go and still feel safe...still feel whole is such a new feeling to me...and i have to say...it feels great...it makes me want to scream...i want to shout out...HELLO...THIS IS ME...THIS IS WHO I AM MEANT TO BE...I AM HERE...I AM HAPPY AND I AM FREE...i feel good...i feel great...i am over everything that life has thrown at me...it's been tough...it's been a struggle...but i've come through...and look at me...this is me...

whereIAmToday...

Wow...has it really been that long since my last blog...well where am i today???...i am currently in Perth enjoying family and friends...but most of all family...i am enjoying being around the people that i love and being happy...it feels good to be happy...and knowing that there are so many things happening in everybody's lives and knowing that everyone is happy is a great comfort...it's awesome to see family that you haven't seen for a while and also seeing and meeting new additions to the family...knowing that everyone is healthy and doing well is warming...being away from home makes you really appreciate things and people that perhaps you took for granted before...and it has brought everyone together...I am in a happy place at the moment...in a happy life...that is where i am today...

howThingsMakeADifference

you can start your day great by getting up on the right side of the bed...but what happens when you roll out on the wrong side...everything seems to be going wrong...you haven't started your day right...

passingFacesOnTheStreets...continued...

it's great passing him on the street...i always enjoy the moments i have with him...even if it's chit chat about rubbish...it's what i enjoy the most...to just smile and be happy and laugh...i miss it so much...it's great to just bump into him...it's great wen i bump into him...but it's even more wonderful when He bumps into me...because at least i know that he sees me...the sneaky bumping into you trick...i know it's you...hehe...to see the smile on his face makes me smile and be happy and warm...i like it how he laughs at my jokes...and how he finds the little things that i do funny...like having 6 alarms to wake us up in the morning...with 3 different tunes...haha...he usually waits for the third alarm to go off because it's a more soothing tune to wake up to...i find things like that funny...just the small things that you can laugh at and laugh at each other about...when you can't say goodbye like you used to...can't give that kiss goodbye...what do you do???...touch in anyway you can...even if it's a touch on the shoulder..or playing shoving...it still means a lot more than a wave goodbye...seeing him this morning has made me a happy person this morning...it's wonderful how someone can just brighten up your day...even with the given circumstances...just to know that everything is still ok is a great feeling...what will happen next is something that is still yet to be discovered...will the chemistry and feelings prevail???...only time will tell...what happens when something is so strong???...

tooMuchContemplating...

sometimes i sit and i think too much...when i think too much i always have all sorts of thoughts run through my mind...sometimes they are good sometimes they are bad...you get paranoid and your mind wanders...you always start off with an innocent warm thought...and then those thoughts start to change and then you think too much...and then you start to wander if what you were thinking was right...maybe it isn't really like that...maybe it's all a lie...maybe he's lying to you...sometimes you shouldn't think too much and just enjoy the moment...but sometimes you can't help but wonder especially when you feel as though you don't know the whole truth...what do you do???...jsut trust in the person that what they are saying is the truth???...sometimes you get caught up in the lie that finally when it gets revealed you can't believe it or you refuse to believe it...i always get paranoid about things...i guess it's just human nature...sometimes when something seems so good...there has to be something thats not right...wouldn't it be a wonderful world to live without paranoia???...just be blissfully happy with life and the people that are in it...to know everything...but how much can you trully know???...just trust in the person...trust in life...too much contemplating will do your head in...though sometimes paranoia may serve as a reality check...perhaps the paranoia that you are feeling is there because there is something wrong...you will never know until truth hits you over the head with a great big mallet...then you'll be like..."well there you go...should have listened to paranoia when paranoia was waving that big sign in front of your eyes"...if only we could know everything...

theStartToANewBeginning???...

to feel so upset and down the last week...and to slowly realise that in fact you are doing ok...is a big relief...to hear from somebody that you've wanting to hear from is always a great feeling...you play those games at first where you try and be the tough one and not reply emails and things...but then in actuality you want to give in and send that email...it is always a hard thing to do...have self control...it's actually funny that i am possessing some self control as i'm usually the first to give in...and become that annoying girl that won't leave you alone...hehe...i believe that i have grown up since my early relationship days...and learnt to take things as it comes...and to take things slower...i never gained anything from always pushing too hard...and i often saw the things that i wanted most walk the other way...wisdom comes with age and experience...and i believe i have both of them...believe me i'm getting older...but actually looking forward to it...it is the start to a new beginning...the start of a better me???...but when will the improvements stop???...i think you will always be learning new things about yourself...and always improving on things that will make you a better person...it has taken me 10 years of relationships to realise what love is...what it takes...love should never be hard...it should never be hard to keep...sure there are times when things can get rough...but it should never be hard...i've found a relationship where it was so easy to be myself...so easy to just be in the presence with someone and smile...to talk about rubbish...talking was never difficult...talking to someone you are with should never be difficult...you should never be out of words to say...or struggle to keep a conversation...believe me my relationship with my ex was always a struggle...until it got to a point where...i would stress out...see...it should never be like that...I love talking to Mr Stacky...he makes me smile and makes me laugh...if anything that's what i like about him...I was so happy today cause he emailed me...HE emailed me...yes...isn't wasn't me...and he even replied later...a super long one...hehe...he knew i was a bit sad still...he tried to cheer me up...he made me laugh and smile today...cause he had a shaving accident...and he looks bald...hehe...but that's what i miss most about him...how he maked me laugh...i spotted his white patch on the way home today...i had to decide if i was going to run after him...i decided to just do it...i poked him in the side...and he knew it was me...cause he was already grinning when he turned around...it was good to see him after last week...that meeting was so sad...i have been afraid that when i next saw him...things would be different between us and awkward...but it wasn't...and it was such a great relief...i feel happy...i couldn't stop smiling and talking...nothing felt different...i was afraid our relationship would sour...but still the wait...still the see what happens...still the time...i only hope the time comes sooner than never...no kiss goodbye though...only a hi-5...

anticipation...andThenReaction...

you wait for a reply...you think you aren't going to get one...and then suddenly you see your inbox...and there's an email sitting there...Oh My God you think...then...oh no...what are you going to say...are you going to say anything???...should you pretend that you don't care???...or should you say what is on your mind???...oh the politics...i hate the politics...why can't everything be just black and white and simple...if what you are feeling is what you are feeling...just say and don't care...if i miss you i will say it...if i don't care i will say it...and if i'm still hurting i will say it...but how much can you really protect yourself...put yourself out on the line...express the way that you feel...as long as you are true to yourself...there is no point in kidding yourself and others about the way that you feel...if nobody wants to appreciate it then tell them to fuck off...i never say what i feel to the person that i have feelings for...so what do i do...borrow the ears of friends...until they burn with all the whinnings and sighs coming out of my mouth...but then how much can they really say to you...what's my reaction???...should i reply...i want to reply...i want to hear his voice...i want some reaction...

toFeelHelplessness...thenHope...

I feel helplessness...i feel lost...i feel like i'm trapped in limbo...trapped in a space in between the known and the unknown...will somebody tell me...anything...am i a ghostless spirit that wonders the earth in search for some meaning???...a meaning to life...a search for answers...can anybody see me???...help!...get me out of here...i just want to be out of this desolate thing i call my life...or at least...be able to see the faint glimmers of a flower blossoming in the dirt...is that hope???...is that a sign that everything will be alright???...to put all my wishes and desires and love into this growing semblance of a new life with meaning...will it grow into a beautiful garden???...i will put a park bench on the boundary of my new garden of life...and sit and admire with adoration and feel the warmth eminating from within it's depths...i sit...and i wait...wait...i feel the space next to me on the bench warm...and i turn to see you sitting there besides me...

passingFacesOnTheStreet..

passing faces on the streets...have i seen you before???...you look familiar...it's amazing to think that there are only 6 degrees of separation that you will know everyone in the world...given the world today i'm not surprised if it's less than that...with everyone hitting the interweb (james' word for internet)...getting onto the facebook revolution...the friendster and myspace bandwagon...everyone will know you intimately...in just a few clicks...how much do you put yourself out there???...how much do you want people to know???...there's a fine line between what is reality and what is fantasy...it poses the scary question of stolen identities...a stolen me...is it comforting that you are also just a few clicks away from getting to know that boy you just met by flicking through his facebook profile???...how do you know how far is too far...and how far is considered stalking...hahaha...everyone has a little stalker in them i think...i tend to refrain from following the crowds and click the CREATE button on such community websites...after receiving a zillion friend requests...i click the button to get them out of my inbox...get caught up in all the hype for a few months...then my interest fades away...my policy is...if i don't know you...you're not a friend...ignore...if i've met you a few times and you're a friend-of-a-friend...ok, maybe...when i walk down the street...when i walk to work...when i walk home...i always wonder who i am going to bump into...will i bump into him???...you turn around in the hope that he is there staring at you...and then you smile...i've been waiting for you...waiting for you in the crowd of many faces...waiting for the crowds to part to see you smiling...i find it amazing how people meet people...you always hear of stories of people meeting their soul mates from across the seas...on the quest for love...where will i meet my soul mate???...have i already met him...hang on...was he that guy i bumped shoulders with the other day crossing the street???...you hear about the stories you read in the newspapers that have the makings of a modern day fairytale...will i get the handsome prince...or the smelly frog...i'd like to believe that i have met my soul mate...the one that makes all your problems go away...the one that will keep you safe...the one that is your soul's mate...the one that you will keep passing on the streets...

myCatatonicMind...

my minds a blank...my minds a stray...when does it all go away???...i look inside...but what do i see???...i dunno just you and me...is it safe to say its true...what i feel...what i knew...will it float on back again...a love so bright...a star anew...to have you say...i love you too...is all i need...just me and you...

thePathToHappiness...

What do you say???...what can you say???...it's hard to let something go when you don't want to...but circumstances that you have no control over is always an obstacle that must be tackled...but how do you tackle something like that???...when there are things that you can't do, can't say...what does it take to be happy???...to say that every thing is going to be ok from now on???...you always wonder how do they do it???...how do other people other than yourself achieve happiness when you can't???...whats the magic word???...what do you do???...when is my luck going to change???...when something great happens you forget about everything else...nothing else matters...everything bad just fades away...whats the secret to staying happy???...do you have to be good???...do you have to live by a set of principles a set of rules???...who decides whose going to live a life of bliss...never having to experience an ounce of heart ache...pangs of hurt...never to know what it feels like to have a knife slide through your heart and then to have it slowly pulled out...making sure every jagged edge takes a piece of heart out with it...will i get that piece back???

playItOnRepeatPlease...

Ok...so have you ever gotten to that stage where you start listening to love songs on repeat???...yes i'm at that stage...I feel it's kinda soothing in it's own way...If you don't know how to express the ways that you feel or don't know what to say...turn to those who know how to do it best in verses in songs...there's always a song with the lyrics that contain all the words that you can't say or express...listening to love songs always has the depressing element in it...because it hits home...it's funny actually that i have a lot to say about what's been going on...funny that... it's strange when things come along...how it develops...i like the song 'this years love' by david gray... amongst many others...'hurt' by nine-inch-nails or sung by johnny cash if you prefer...Blogging i must say has become a great outlet...if you're not scared to let people look through the window...to your mind??? to your soul??? it beats writing in diaries i reckon... was never talented enough to compose my own songs...would just come out a whole bunch of dribblings and ramblings...as with anything that comes out of my head...there's many things to learn about love...it's always better to have someone to learn about it together...